Thanks to my sister inlaw though for reposting pictures of Brenda on facebook, it got me crying before I even started ;)
It is time though that this blog move on. Who knows maybe with winter settling in comfortably I'll start blogging more. No promises, but maybe just wishful thinking.
So here we go. Kids are in bed and Donavon is off at the BYU football game. I think me procrastinating this may have been a good thing. Or at least this is how I'm going to justify it. After Brenda's passing more and more has become so clear to me. Whats the saying? Don't know what you have until its gone? So true, so very true.
Oh boy. I am not even sure where to begin... I feel like since I have only been in the family for 5 years that I don't know her very well, or as well as everyone else. My oldest nephew is 18, and a bunch of other nieces and nephews that are older as well. Not to mention Donavon and all of his siblings. I probably knew her the least in the family.
Having said this, when she was in the hospital and we knew she was certainly not going to make it I remember breaking down one night on the way home. I was mad. I was mad because my children wouldn't remember her. They are too little. I was mad because I wasn't going to have her anymore. I was mad because Issac was her favorite, and she was his favorite. She adored him and spoiled him rotten. She snuck him extra Christmas presents, if he wanted it she gave it to him. They had a one of a kind relationship, and I was mad because he wasn't going to remember how much she meant to him. I already feel like its slipping away from him. I was mad because she was the classic Grandma and now my kids wouldn't have her. They wouldn't have all those wonderful memories like their older cousins have. I felt like me and the kids were getting robbed.
She was the mother of all mothers, the Grandma of all Grandmas. Family was the most important thing to her. She would have done anything for her family and she made it evident in her daily life. She never spoke badly of anyone. Ever. No matter how stupid or hurtful someone might have been. I am not even exaggerating. I have no idea how this lady did it. I don't think I could make it a day! She was always there with uplifting words.
I remember several occasions being down and out about something that had happened or something someone said to me that was mean. I'd lay on her bed and she'd always have kind words to offer and she'd always reassure me that whatever was said was simply not true, and she'd give me a million reason why she knew it wasn't true. It was never well that sucks, I'm sorry, or lets turn it into a bashing on the other person party to make us feel better. Never. She always knew just what to say. She always had the best advice. I'm finding I miss that the most.
Imagine never saying an unkind word of anyone, she didn't stop there. She never complained of all the pain she withstood during her battle with Lupus. She was diagnosed when Donavon was just a little guy. She raised 6 kids while she battled Lupus, and also worked full time for the Utah Department of Health. Oh you have a cold and are tired, you don't want to go to work? Try a broken back, sick from your chemo therapy and your body trying to kill itself. She still went, and with a smile on her face!
When Donavon was little he remembers his Dad sitting him down and telling him that Momma might not be around very long. She never gave up, she fought long and hard, and never wanted anyone to feel sorry for her. With Lupus things get complicated, it attacks your body and if its not one thing its another. To tell you of her pain tolerance, she was telling me once that she had some dental work done, a root canal, with zero numbing. Can you imagine the agony?! I can also tell you there were several times when she would break her back, leg, arm whatever and she'd be trucking along. No cast, nothing. Slipping on the ice, in the bathroom, putting dishes away broke her back. I don't know about you, but I would have given up immediately. She never whined of the pain she was in, never wanted sympathy. She was grateful for every day she had and she made the best of it. Always a positive attitude and always grateful for what she had.
I remember so many times being frustrated with her. She was sneaky. She hid her pain, her symptoms and Donavon would have to threaten her from time to time. Whether it was from him asking her questions or his Dad calling and telling him what was going on "Your Mother is coughing up blood again, will you call her?". I'm not sure if it was Donavon's medical background or what but she always listened to him. There was more than one time when he said 'Mom if you don't go to the hospital right now I'm calling an ambulance myself. I'll call you back in 30 minutes and you better be there!' I used to get frustrated because sometimes it was a pretty big thing she'd be hiding from everyone, for months. As if it was no big deal. I wanted her to stick around awhile! Don't be hiding crap from your doctors!
There was a time I remember telling Donavon "we need friends!". Every weekend we were going on double dates with his parents. Don't get me wrong, we loved it and had fun but I also though it was pretty sad that a young couple like ourselves had zero married friends to hang out with! I cant tell you how grateful I am for that though. We used to go to the movies and out to eat all the time. With her health she was pretty limited on what she could do and movies and eating out where definitely on the list. We used to always take little trips out to Wendover, NV too. Yup. We used to casino hop with them. Brenda and I used to sit down at the slot machines and play the games while Donavon and his Dad would play 21 at the tables. Man was she lucky! And every time they would cash in a voucher she got to keep all the $1 bills. Those were Brenda bucks. She would have a humongous roll of them by the end of the year and that is what she would buy Christmas with each year.
A few weeks after her passing Donavon had to go to Vegas for work so his Dad and I, along with the kids tagged along just to get the heck out of town! It was pretty overwhelming to be in a casino without her. The sounds of all the machines going off, seeing the games we used to sit down at and play together. Mike gave me the "Brenda bucks" that trip if I was around when he'd cash in.
She also liked to shop. The woman could turn a simple 20 minute run to walmart into 4 hours. I kid you not. I learned a few hard lessons there. She always wanted the girls to go with her though. If everyone was at the house and someone needed something we all had to go. Girls only. Men stayed behind to watch the kids. Sometimes I'd fight it and refuse to go. I'm not a big shopper just to browse. Get in and get out. There was one specific time though that I couldn't get out of it.
She wanted to get a wedding gift for Donavon and I. Ok, sounds good. We hopped in the car, her, my father inlaw Mike, and Donavon and I. She took us to JC Penny. We walk in and she beelines in her wheelchair for the "nighties" section. Uhhhh.... Maybe she needs some jammies? Oh no no no... she quickly starts browsing the lingerie. I looked at Donavon in utter horror. Grabbed his arm and threatened him with his life and an end to this engagement if he didn't get his mother to pick another wedding gift. I was NOT going to be lingerie shopping with my future mother inlaw. It took a lot of convincing but he finally convinced her to get us something else. Dishes! Phew. Hahaha oh man. We still chuckle about this one.
I can still hear her laugh. She used to love telling embarrassing stories of Mike. I can still hear her voice, and remember her telling certain stories. I can still smell her perfume sometimes when I'm at the house. I don't want to forget. I am devastated she isn't here anymore. There are silly little things that send me over the edge. Issac brings home preschool pictures or soccer pictures? I lose it. She was always the first one to get a copy. She cherished all the photos I took of the kids. I think that is why she loved the blog so much. At her computer at work she always had a picture of "my Issac" on her screen and plenty of others around her cubical. Everyone at work knew all about "my Issac".
Or even just looking at my kids sometimes I start to lose it. She was always so proud of everything the kids accomplished, and they loved sharing with her their new things. So when things like that happen, she is the first one I think of, then I get sad because I want to tell her all about it.
Donavon and his mother had a special relationship. After his deployment her health was getting worse and he fought to get stationed at Dugway Proving Grounds just to be closer to her. He was her caretaker of sorts. She preferred him to clean her wounds or assist her with other medical needs. He was her baby, and he was her favorite. I'm sure that Issac was her favorite because it was her favorites baby. Not to mention Issac is the spitting image of his father and she said the way he acts was just like his Daddy too. I think she almost felt like she was reliving raising Donavon all over again. The 9 months we lived there with them I think she just ate it up. It might have driven me nuts a few times but when she'd get home from work she was so excited to see "my Issac". She'd take him into her room and sit him on her bed and whip out treats from her bed side table. That's where she kept all her treats. Fruit leather, licorice, raisenets, cookies, crackers. She was ready to keep the kids by her side with goodies!
In closing I just want to say that I never realized how much we all relied on her, and how she really was the glue to this family. She was there to shut people up, smooth out the ruffles, give encouragement and keep everyone running efficiently. Ever since she left it just seems like one thing after another. We are falling apart. Sometimes I just break down because I don't know what to do. I don't know what kind of advice to give to people when they call, and when I need advice, her kind of advice I don't know who to go to. Sure I can get advice from others, but hers was different. She always had a positive spin on things. I still have a hard time believing that she's gone. At first it was like she was on another cruise or something.... then you know maybe had to go out of town for work... Now its been almost 4 months and everything is starting to change rapidly and its a hard one to swallow.
I have printed up pictures of her and the kids. I kick myself all the time for not taking more pictures. I felt like we saw them once maybe twice a week that there was never really an 'ocassion' to take pictures. Yeah I regret that one now! So I printed the few pictures I have and I put them in the kids rooms. I hung up Issac's on his wall above his bed. Katie's is a picture of them two of them about an hour or two after her birth. I haven't hung it on the wall yet so it sits on the floor propped up on the wall. Every now and then Katie scoots over to it and gazes at the picture and then kisses her. I cry every time. I almost don't want to hang it on the wall. Katie is so little and doesn't understand that Grandma is gone, however I'm sure she knows. For those of you who don't know Katie first hand, she does not give out kisses often. Grandma gets them though.
Another quick story, Donavon sings Issac a song each night, Mother Tell Me a Story, well its more of a duet. Brenda used to sing it to Donavon, and he's changed it to fit him and Issac. About a month after her passing Issac told Donavon that "when you don't sing it with me, Gramma does but she makes me say 'Gramma' not Daddy". Donavon came out of his room a little weepy that night. At about this time he kind of stopped asking about her daily, I wonder if she started visiting him or had a little chat with him one night?
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